Before I get started on this very personal subject, I wanted to share this amazing article by A Daily Rhythm: you can check it out here.
Now. I don’t really know what to start, but I wanted to write about this subject, because I think it is important. This is not just an illusion of mine, one of my friends who is studying medicine confirmed: there are a lot more people who have depression than you think. I am one of them. But if you take care of yourself, and do the right thing, it will help you grow. Don’t lose hope! I know the first step is not easy, and you have probably heard that a lot if you have depressive tendencies, but I swear it helps: go see a doctor! They will ask you the right questions, and know how to help, even if that means sending you to another doctor if they are not confident – and of course, that only works if you are being sincere.
For the past few years, I’ve been feeling awful through October/November mostly, and each time, I went to see my doctor to have a full check up because I was terribly tired. And every time, he ended up saying everything was okay, and gave me vitamins. I used to blame it on college, because it was terribly hard. But this year, I lost apetite, and started losing a lot of weight without being able to do anything. I also have sleeping troubles. I went to see my doctor again, and he said I needed a full checkup: again, nothing was wrong. I went to see him again, and told him I was really worried about my current state, and wanted to do something about it. I couldn’t blame it on college anymore, because I transferred, and it is much better now. When he asked if I had “dark thoughts” I said yes, because that was true. I felt worthless, and sometimes I cried myself to sleep. I couldn’t eat because I had lost all apetite. I couldn’t sleep either. I needed to drink (and pee) all the time, and I often had to get out of class to get my shit together. It was awful, I was so stressed. He gave me antidepressants, and the phone number of a psychologist, who does wonders. She really helps me.
So all of this was around November. I also turned 20 in November, but at the time, I was feeling awful.
But then, around Christmas, I started getting better. I supposed it was because it was Christmas break, and it was probably true, but I still got to enjoy it. It’s allright to be happy.
And then, my exams came. I was in the dark again, especially since my grandpa died in the midst of all this. Fate has ways to fuck you up. But the thing is, after his burrial, I started feeling peaceful again. Yes, that’s true, once our exams were over, I had a two weeks break just to take care of myself, and that was awesome. In a corner of my mind, I knew I would get down again once class started again.
Yet, the second semester started last Monday, and I’m still feeling allright. I’m eating again, and most of the time, I don’t sleep too badly. Of course, I have still my moments of panic, but I’m working on it, and I’m getting better at taking care of myself.
I’m making plans for the future, and it’s really pleasant. I have also worked a lot on this blog through January, and I’m enjoying it more and more. I have read a lot, and it’s amazing. These days, I am feeling more peaceful, and damn, it feels good. It probably won’t last forever, but who cares?
I sometimes think that I exagerate things. If I feel so good sometimes, how can I be depressive? And then I see my brain working like a piece of shit and imagine the worst. That’s when I know I’m not exagerating things. Yes, I’m not the most depressive person in the world. I’ve never actually tried to kill myself. But life is not a contest. Just because I don’t have it the worst doesn’t mean it doesn’t count.
If you think you have depression, the first thing you can do to help yourself is to talk about it! It may be your family, a friend, or a doctor. If you need help, you need to get it. It’s not a negative thing to say that you can’t take care of it yourself. Others will make you stronger, and may help you more than you can expect it! (And if you just want to talk, you know you can still talk to me…)
Whatever. It feels good to write all of this. I don’t know if it’s very clever to post it, but I’m going to do it anyway.
Have a nice day everyone, and take care of yourself ♥