So… I don’t even know where to start anymore. I guess one of the things I wanted to say is how blogging and the book community have become such a big, important and necessary part of my life. I just feel like I have found a place where I can do exactly what I love and I don’t want to leave.
For months, I have been looking for a summer job, so I could make money for a trip (and some books and funkos, because who am I kidding). I sent tons of applications to bookshops and libraries and even clothes shop because you know, it was the sales so they would be hiring. A few answers come back – nothing compared to all the applications I had sent – but they were all negative.
Yet I didn’t give up. This summer I was going to earn money. I want to get some experience, and be ready to move out from my parents’ house.
Since I have a diploma allowing me to be a camp counsellor, I sent new applications. It’s not what I really wanted to do, but I am
apparently qualified for it, and it would have been a great experience. Again, tons of applications were sent. And I waited.
On July 2nd, I got a call. I was going to be a camp counsellor from August 1st to August 14th. All I needed was to send more info and boring stuff, and be there on the 31st of July. I had no idea which camp had actually called me – it turned out it was somewhere 30 minutes away from my home – but I was glad. I was actually really excited about it, and for two reasons: first, I had gotten a job, and second, it turned out I actually really wanted to do it.
Let’s move forward in time to last Sunday. Like before many experience where I arrive and know I will be surrounded by strangers, I didn’t want to go. But I did, and I barely got lost on the way.
I met all the people I would work with. I was supposed to be in charge of a group of teenagers with two other girls who had already worked together.
Next morning, before I know it I’m on my way to pick some of the kids up in Paris and come with them back to the camp. The girl with me is super nice. Everything is going well. Until the afternoon. And it gets worse in the evening.
To sum up, first thing that made things hard was the fact that the two girls I had to work with already knew each other. Secondly, most of the kids knew one another, and had already come there for years. If that wasn’t enough, I have no self-confidence. I couldn’t connect with them. I felt completely not in my place. I felt like I couldn’t get them to listen to me. I didn’t have the energy to carry on for two weeks like this.
I had a talk with my boss, and she told me she was not sure I could do it. If I didn’t feel like it, it was probably better that I left. On the next days, I quit. (And I totally cried for no reason. But the kids waved at me goodbye from the window like in School 2015 when Lee Pil Mo is fired – sorry about the kdrama reference – and I don’t know I couldn’t stand it…)
So yeah, I quit. It felt weird. But most importantly, I think I have never been so relieved in my entire life.
Yes, most people – including my mom – will always say that you should see things through the end, and when you started something you have to end it, and when you signed for something, you need to do it. And to some extent, I agree. But there is something even more important. You have to listen to yourself. Sometimes, you need to know when to say stop, when to say no. Listen to yourself. This time, I needed to leave, and I know it, even if some part of me is whispering you loser, you should have stayed through it. If I had stayed, I would have suffered. I would have panicked. I would have been exhausted. I would have hated it. I didn’t feel like I belonged. And yes, a little part of me decided to quit because you know, if I quit they can’t fire me. I got scared. But so what? Sometimes, the important thing is to listen to yourself. You have to know when to stop.
So yeah, I quit. Now I am home, and once again, I feel so relieved. I do not regret it one bit.
(As for how to earn money, I have been doing some cleaning, and I will do some babysitting in September, and I am doing some translations for colleagues of my father, but that’s not the point of this article.)
I guess what I really wanted to say is that you need to listen to yourself. Quitting does not make you a loser. You are the most important person of your world, and what matters is that you are happy, what matters is what you feel, and that you do what you like.
Another thing is that this experience made me realise something: I want to work with books. I wasn’t sure of it, but now I am. I need to do a job where 1/ I can have books at hands and 2/ I can talk about this. This is what I like and I can’t live without it. Now, I know this won’t be easy to find. But I also know I am really passionate about this, and this is what makes me happy. This is why I am on Bookstagram, Booktube, Books Amino, Goodreads and on this blog. Books are important to me, and I want to tell the world how wonderful they are. I have many other things that I like, music, tv shows, I have also been really into Asian dramas for a long while – not so much now – but deep inside, books have always been there. I relate to them on every level. With books, I feel like I belong. I used to say I wanted to be a writer, but I’m not even sure that’s what I want to do anymore. With this blog and now my youtube channel, I have realised that I like to talk about books more than anything. I want to read and review and promote and talk about books. It just feels so right and I am both happy and relieved I realised this.
And I guess I can’t live without this community, so thank you all for being there.