So this is something I have been thinking about quite a lot lately. Growing up, I have always loved reading books. But deep in the back of my mind, has also always been the thought that I wanted to write books. As a way to somehow repay all the authors whose books I have read. And as a way to maybe become a more “valid” member of the book community. (Keep in mind that I have considered writing books since I was in, like, second grade. I was already writing poems in the first grade. So this is a feeling that has been on my mind pretty much since forever.)
And lately I have come to notice this: no matter how much I say that I want to create content, all I do is consume it. I haven’t have a single WIP since I gave up on my 2018 NaNoWriMo project because it stopped making sense to me. All I do is consume, and consume, whether it’s books or movies or TV Shows. Whether it’s on Netflix, or on YouTube, or anything really. It’s also fanart on Tumblr and Instagram. Sometimes it’s fanfiction. And sometimes it’s booktube or other blogs? All I ever do is consume content.
My attempts at the whole matching book covers with your outfits trend thing is actually the only creative thing I seem to have done lately. Along with baking cakes which I can’t seem to stop doing as well. But no big project, sadly.
I’ve seen many people talk about all the opportunities they had to develop their crafts and their WIPs during the confinement. To those people, and if you’re one of them, I want to say: congratulations. I really admire you. I on the other hand have been reading and watching Netflix. I watched a bunch of kdrama which happens every once in a while. (Crash Landing on You was really good!) I’ve been listening to musicals which I also like to do from time to time (my new obsession is Hadestown). And yes, I love the fact that I finally have time to catch up with my TBR. I’ve read more than 15 books since the beginning of the confinement, some which had been on my TBR for years, and it is really satisfying. It makes me really happy. But it’s been a month, and we still have one month to go… I also downloaded Animal Crossing on my phone, but that’s a whole other topic…
To put in perspective the whole creating/consuming content dilemma I’ve had, let me also tell you that this article has been waiting in my drafts for almost a month, unfinished. It’s an idea that I had at the very beginning of the confinement, and look at me now: my fifth week without work is starting. And I’m actually beginning to miss it. So I’ve been procrastinating on this blog post while consuming more content. To be fair, I’ve actually been posting quite a few articles, but you see my point. Nothing too complicated, and nothing much compared to the amount of books I’ve read, and in general, the amount of content that I have consumed. And what I’m asking myself is simple: WHY?
I have ideas. Tons of them. They come and they go, some stick around, but none so far have taken the definitive shape of a book. I’ve never managed to write more than 15k on a project. And I have come to terms with it. But the ideas keep coming in. And I know, deep inside, that I still want to write books. I feel like I am not ready yet. Maybe I am not yet in a good mindset when it comes to my mental health. But paradoxically, my depression has in many occasions fed my creativity. And now that I’m feeling better, I’m not so creative anymore. I don’t know what to make of it. What I do know is that having a bad mental health is not the key to creativity and enforcing that it is is just a terrible thing to do to artists. But I don’t know where that leaves me.
There was a time when I wanted to be a young writer. I wanted to write a book at 16 and then at 18. It didn’t happen and now I’m 24. No books written. I have some poetry sitting somewhere. And a book blog that has been running for almost 5 years despite all odds. (Thanks for being 700 of you by the way!) But where is my big break out? Where is the critically acclamed novel I was supposed to write? And why am I not writing it right now? I don’t know. And I don’t have an answer for all my questions. And that’s okay. I guess I will keep consuming media until I feel like I’m ready to write. I will teach myself how to do better, and solve the mystery of how to create a plot that works from beginning to end. I know that I still have a lot to learn, and I’m excited about it.
Until then, happy reading!